SOme of the very best jokes

zhiyuel

HER DIARY
==========
Day night, I thought he was acting
weird. We had made plans to meet at a
cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends
all day long, soIely thought he was upset at the fact that I
was a bit late,
but he made no comment.Conversation wasn't flowing so

I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but
he kept quiet and absent. I asked
him what was wrong - he said,

"Nothing."I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had
nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept
driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love u,too."

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there and watched TV.; he seemed distant and absent.Finally I
decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided
that I could not take it anymore,

so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.

I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to
do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is gonna be a disaster.
_______________________________



HIS DIARY
==========
Today India lost the cricket match
against Bangladesh.

DAMN
IT.

==========

Simplicity of Men
Vs
Complexity of Women !!!

__________________

zhiyuel

A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph.

He then says, "I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and she’s a better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.

"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.

He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.

By now she’s up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."

The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.

This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn’t there anything you want?"

The wife says, "No, I’ve got everything I need."

"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"

Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the wife smiles and says, "The airbag."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LOVE is like a CIGAR
It starts with a fire..... continues with smoke.....and ends in ashes...
But dont worry - we are chain smokers

__________________

zhiyuel

Some Irish Jokes
*********************************
BLESS ME FATHER, FOR I HAVE SINNED !!!!

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and the n walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box,
and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

*********************************
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said,

'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend
made mad passionate love to me seven times..'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, ' Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'


*********************************
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,
'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the
poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.
But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.
Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father.
Do ya think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!
Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?


*********************************

And my favourite:

An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years,
many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday,
I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking .
We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins? '

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody

*********************************

__________________

zhiyuel

BOY : May I hold your hand?

GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
***************
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!

BOY : You love me...
***********************
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??

BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
*********************
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.

BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
************
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.

BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
*******************
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!

GIRL : How soon??
**************
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!

GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
*********
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning

kiss??

TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the

cigarette out of his mouth.

**************

MAN : You remind me of the sea.

WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?

MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

**************

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear

and comes out of the other.

HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both

ears and comes out of the mouth.
**************


MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andrew says I'm ugly.What

do u think,

Peter?

PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
**************

1) Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and

no one else ?"

Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again

yesterday".

**************

2) Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun

or the moon?"

Pupil : "The moon".

Teacher : "Why?"

Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need

it but the sun gives us light only in the day time

when we don't need it".

**************

3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on

talking when people are no longer interested?"

Pupil : "A teacher".


**************
4) Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"

Customer : "What other colors do you have?"


**************
5) My father is so old that when he was in school,

history was called current affairs.

**************

6) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"

Sam : "It's a family tradition".

Teacher : "What do you mean?"

Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father

is a teacher".

Teacher : "What about your mother?"

Sam : "She's a woman".

**************

7) Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father

that I've failed?"

David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared,

past year's performance repeated".

**************

[IMG]http://www.*******.com/forum/images/smilies/cool.gif[/IMG] Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a

donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be

showing?"

Student : "Brotherly love".

**************

9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say

prayers before eating?"

Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good

cook".

**************

10) Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering

doctor?"

Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show

that nine out of ten people die of the disease you

have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others

all died".

**************

11) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of

COINCIDENCE?"

One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married

on the same day and at the same time."

**************
12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped

down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.

Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"

One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

__________________

zhiyuel

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"

He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that."

So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

"Take your thumb off the end!!"
--
--
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"
-
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A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says. "I'm sorry but I've given my body to God" she replies and then leaves. Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack." The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some. The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you." She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass." The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever. After it is over he whips off his outfit and says "Surprise I'm the guy on the bus" With that the nun turns around and says "Surprise I'm the bus driver."
[IMG]http://www.*******.com/forum/images/smilies/rofl.gif[/IMG]

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