SOme of the very best jokes

zhiyuel

Four guys, one each from Harvard, Yale, MIT university and SANTA from D.U.(Delhi University) were to be interviewed for a prestigious job. One common question was asked to all 4 of them.

INTERVIEWER: WHICH IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD?

YALE guy: Its light, Nothing can travel faster than light

HARVARD Guy: It's the Thought; b'cos thought is so fast it comes instantly in your mind.

MIT guy: Its Blink, you can blink and its hard to realize you blinked

SANTA: Its Loose motion

INTERVIEWER: (Shocked to hear Santa's reply, asked) "WHY"?

SANTA: Last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, it was over!!!

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zhiyuel

A blond is on board a small two- seater plane when suddenly the pilot dies.
Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio.
"Mayday, Mayday! My pilot just died!" she screams.
Ground control receives her call for help and answers back:
"Don't worry, madam. I'll talk you down, just do as I say.
First, I need you to give me your height and position."


"I'm 5 foot 2 and sitting in the front seat!"

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Side effects of alcohol .... And remedies!!!


1. Symptom : Cold and humid feet.


Cause

:

Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the
Drink on your feet).


Cure:

Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward



2. Symptom : The wall facing you is full of lights.


Cause

:

You're lying on the floor.


Cure:

Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.



3. Symptom : The floor looks blurry.


Cause

:

You're looking through an empty glass.


Cure:

Quickly refill with your favorite drink!



4. Symptom : The floor is moving.


Cause

:

You're being dragged away.


Cure:

At least ask where they're taking you!



5. Symptom : You hear echoes every time someone speaks.


Cause

:

You have your glass on your ear.


Cure:

Stop making a fool of yourself!




6. Symptom : Your dad and all your brothers are looking funny.


Cause

:

You're in the wrong house.


Cure:

Ask if they can point you to your house.





7. Symptom : The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and
The music is very repetitive.


Cause

:

You're in an ambulance.


Cure:

Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.

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zhiyuel

A chinese was in hospital,
A man went 2 see him,
chines said: CHING CHING MOU CHU CHA & died
Man went china 2 ask the meaning.
it was You son of b*tch get off my oxygen pipe!!

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George Bush & Abdul Kalam

While visiting India, George Bush is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam. He
Asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to
Surround him with intelligent people.

Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the
right questions," says the Kalam. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says, "Mr. Prime Minister,
please answer this question:

Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not
your brother or sister. Who is it?"



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- Manmohan immediately responds, "It's me, Sir!"

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says Kalam.

He hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put Condoleezza Rice
to the test.

Bush summons her to the White House and says, "Condoleezza, I wonder if you
can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has
a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to
you?" Bush agrees, and Rice leaves.

Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over
the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.

Finally, in desperation, Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem.

"Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this
child is not your brother or your sister.

Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and
exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's



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our Colin Powell !"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's



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Manmohan Singh!"

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zhiyuel

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are
always getting into trouble and their parents know all
about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are
probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had
been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would
speak
with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them
individually..

So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the
morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.


The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the
younger boy down and asked him sternly,

"Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response,
sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even
sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher
raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and
bellowed,

"Where is God?!"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran
directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what
happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We
are in BIG trouble this time.


( " I just LOVE reading next line again and again " )




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GOD is missing,and they think we did it!

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zhiyuel

A teacher in a mathematics lecture asks a 3rd STD class,
"If there are 3 birds on a tree and u shoot one of them, how many birds would remain??"
Johnny, the naughtiest of the lot, shoots up his hand.
Teacher: " O.K. Johnny, what's the answer?"
Johnny: "NONE, maam.
Teacher: "How?" Johnny: "After hearing the shot, all the other birds will also fly away."
Teacher: "No Johnny, the answer here is 2, but I like the way you are thinking.


Now Johnny has a doubt.

Johnny: "Teacher can i ask you a question?"

Teacher: "Sure".
Johnny: "There are three ladies having ice cream at the parlor. The first one is eating it, The second is licking it while the third one is sucking on it. Can u tell which one of the ladies is married??"

Teacher is terribly embarrassed, but she puts on a brave face and answers: "I....I...... I guess the one which is sucking on the ice cream is married."

Johnny: "NO maam, the one who has the wedding ring on her finger is married, BUT I LIKE THE WAY YOU ARE THINKING"!!!!!

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zhiyuel

Monkey In The Plane
Once in Brazil a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive.



Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions.

The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.

Officer: 'When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'Tying their belts'

Officer: 'What were the air hostesses doing?'
Monkey: 'Saying Hello! Good morning!'

Officer: 'What were the pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Checking the system'

Officer: 'What were you doing?'
Monkey: 'Looking for my people'

Officer: 'After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'Having beverages and snacks'

Officer: 'What were the air hostesses doing?'
Monkey: 'Serving the travelers'

Officer: 'What were the Pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Handling the steering'

Officer: 'What were you doing?'
Monkey: 'Eating & throwing'

Officer: 'After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'Some were sleeping and some were reading'

Officer: 'What were the air hostesses doing?'
Monkey: 'Make up'

Officer: 'What were the pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Handling the steering'

Officer: 'What were you doing?'
Monkey: 'Nothing'

Officer: 'Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'All were sleeping'

Officer: 'What were the pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Handling the air hostess'

Officer: What were you doing?
Monkey: Handling the steering!!!!!

No more Questions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[IMG]http://www.*******.com/forum/*******20/buttons/quote.gif[/IMG] [IMG]http://www.*******.com/forum/*******20/buttons/multiquote_off.gif[/IMG] [IMG]http://www.*******.com/forum/*******20/buttons/quickreply.gif[/IMG] [IMG]http://www.*******.com/forum/*******20/buttons/report.gif[/IMG] [IMG]http://www.*******.com/forum/*******20/buttons/nominate/nominate_topic.gif[/IMG]

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zhiyuel

M.B.A Student (vs) B.E Student
This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition organized in Britain......

A MBA and a BE student go on a camping trip,

set up their tent, and fell asleep.

Some hours later, the BE wakes his MBA friend and says:

"Look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."

The BE asks, "What does that tell you?"

The MBA ponders for a minute..

"Astronomically speaking,

it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.


What does it tell you?"

The BE is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Practically. ..Someone has stolen our tent".

"ENGINEERING = 100% COMMON SENSE"

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zhiyuel

Truth saying Robot
One day Kuttappan's dad bought a robot.
The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face.

Kuttappan returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son why are you late from school?".

Kuttappan answered, "Dad we had extra classes today".


Much to his astonishment the Robot jumped up and
slapped Kuttappan on his face.


His dad told him "Mone (son), This robot is special in that he can detect a lie and will then slap the person who lied now come on tell me the truth, Why are you late?"


"Dad I went for a movie", " Which movie?" "The Ten Commandments",

Splatt!!

Kuttappan got a tight slap on the face from the robot.



"No dad honest I went for the movie Sex Queen."

Dad :"Shame on you son when I was your age I never used to do such shameful things."


Splatt

, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.


Hearing all this, Kuttappans mother comes walking out of the kitchen saying,

"After all he is your son.......", to which the robot steps up and gives a resounding slap on Kuttappan's mother's face.

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Math's Teacher: If you have

12 Chocolates and you Give



5 to Lela,
3 to Anita and
4 to Julia


Then what will u get????



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Student: 3 New

Girlfriends

Mam!!!

__________________

zhiyuel

Everything In Heaven Is Free!
An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising.

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi.

As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship- style golf course that the home was located. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine of the World laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part - you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly.

St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

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zhiyuel

Anotner kickass joke
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk....

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my d**', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

There's something wrong with my ear', he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

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